Due to the team’s hectic schedule, mounting injuries, and his new holiday diet, Bayern Munich coach Thomas Tuchel has made sweeping changes to the starting eleven for this week’s matchups.
In this alternate reality, BFW’s inside sources have discovered Tuchel’s revolutionary 3-2-3-1-1 lineup.
Goalkeeper: Thomas Muller
After watching a few American sports movies, it was clear that the team jokester should be the net protector. Muller also happens to have a long reach and a history of organizing the team on the pitch.
Dual Sweeper: Manuel Neuer & Franz Beckenbauer
Look for more clarity in the press conference, but it appears that Tuchel has invented a new double sweeper formation to be manned by former sweeper-keeper Neuer and legend Beckenbauer. Beckenbauer had originally accepted an advisory role, but Tuchel insisted that Beckenbauer had twice as much experience as any other player on the squad and would be more valuable on the field during matches.
Stopper: Harry Kane
Tuchel has instructed the club’s record signing to drop even deeper to get involved in the play, but to stop making those ridiculous forward runs as the ball moves toward goal.
Defensive Midfielders: Eric-Maxim Choupo-Moting & Serge Gnabry
Tuchel takes No-Shave November very seriously. Between Choupo-Moting’s intimidating beard and Gnabry’s trendy fashion sense over the years, this was the obvious selection for the team’s midfield core that spends most of the game on camera.
Left Winger: Dayot Upamecano
With a little wand-waving, the anagram of “Today MeCanGoUp” sold the skipper. More impressively, Dayot only had to change one letter to make it work.
Right Winger: Alphonso Davies
He’ll spend most of his time covering Beckenbauer’s flank, but he’s agreed to only use his left foot to give the opposition a chance to slow him down.
Attacking Midfielder: Dani Rojas
Jamie Tartt, Zava, and Sam Obisanya were all unavailable on such short notice. Rojas will also take all penalty kicks.
Forwards: Matthijs de Ligt & Kingsley Coman
During his sabbatical between September 2022 and March 2023, Tuchel played a lot of FIFA. Coman’s breakaway speed was unstoppable, and de Ligt scored a header every game.
Leroy Sane, Jamal Musiala, Joshua Kimmich, Leon Goretzka, and Mathys Tel are all expected to be sold during the January transfer window to fund the team’s new hypersonic jet.
If you had to move everyone in Bayern’s lineup, what would your starting eleven look like? You’re allowed one retired player and one fictional player.
